Just Ask!

Dr. Malmazadeh and his little crew were the only ones on duty that night in the heart department in the Medical Restorative Center, Colorado. With the holiday season and spirit high in progression, there was a shortage of doctors available. Only the workaholic Dr. Malmazadeh sat hunched over the screens showing the proceedings in every patient’s room. The humming of machinery and monitors to the background of the nurses’ clickety-clack lent an aura of calmness and efficiency.

Suddenly, a harsh beeping sounded, slicing through the nighttime quiet. “Emergency in Room 203!” Dr. Malmazadeh rushed off at top speed to tend to the elderly patient who was going through a severe heart attack. Every second made the difference between life and death!

He was still racing through the corridors when his ears picked up relentless beeping from another direction. Before he could even catch his breath, a third ominous beep-beep sounded from the far left. A nightmare of immense proportions! Out of the blue, three patients were all stricken with a heart attack at once!

What on earth was the poor doctor supposed to do? Dividing his little crew amongst all three patients would be a smooth way of ensuring their speedy demise. Running from one to the other would also achieve nothing. Being an experienced older doctor, he made the fast and firm, painful decision to simply ignore the other two for now and work to save the first victim in Room 203. When he would be stable, he’d see to the others.

After the electrodes finally shocked the weak heart into beating again, he left no time even to breathe a sigh of relief but sprinted over to the other emergency. Sadly, the two other heart victims had died in the interim. Despite the nurses’ goodwill, they weren’t sufficiently trained to rescue their lives…

At first, Dr. Malmazadeh was terrified out of his wits. He didn’t know if it was only his license which would be revoked, or he would be sentenced to lifetime imprisonment. But after downing a cup of strong coffee, he calmed down enough to think straight. Justice was on his side after all. He had done his absolute best! What more was expected from him? If he would have gotten frantic and tried to save the lives of all three, they would all have died. Now at least one patient made it.

It didn’t take long for the families of the deceased to file a lawsuit for malpractice. But Dr. Malmazadeh was cool as a cucumber, not at all perturbed.

After both of the families had cried, shouted, accused, and demanded the full measure of justice for the unthinkable – “To die of a heart attack in the hospital, no less?!” Dr. Malmazadeh stood up with the utmost confidence and said, “I greatly sympathize with your pain and loss. However, you surely all agree and admit to the fact that I’m only human. What could I have done?” He sat back down serenely.

But the judge shot up, the picture of indignance. “That is exactly your fault! If you are only human, why did you delude yourself into thinking that you can manage on your own? Why didn’t you simply pick up the receiver and shout ‘Help, emergency! I can’t manage!’? Backup forces would have arrived within seconds!”

* * *

We all have beautiful parts and aspects to ourselves which we’ve literally changed and rescued from death. Certain middos, children’s growth which we can and should really be proud of. But while we’re building and saving these parts, there are other parts of our lives, certain levels in avodas Hashem, specific ugly middos and habits which shouldn’t be there, a coldness and detachment to particular matters in Yiddishkeit where there’s a complete disaster. “That child needs much more of my acceptance, he’s wasting away. So many of my days pass by in oblivion, and I don’t appreciate my humongous role as a housewife building generations. I’m kvetchy about my position, generating negativity, bad moods, yelling, complaining… in other words, frequent ‘strokes and heart attacks.’”

We know that one day, judgment will be rendered, but we are reassured, we have the strongest defense! “I’m only human, and there’s only so much I can save with my limited earthly abilities. Indeed, so much of my potential and that of those around me was lost, but I’m only a person!” We are relaxed because truly, who can do more?

But Hashem’s reaction is not going to be to sympathetically stroke our backs and vindicate us. His demanding question will be: “That is exactly my question. If you are only a person, why did you convince yourself that you can manage on your own? Why didn’t you simply raise your eyes and shout for help? ‘My children aren’t growing up 100% as You want them to… my patience for them is long finished… my tznius in the street leaves much to be desired… I can’t! Save me!’”

* * *

Moshe Rabbeinu admonished the Yidden before he passed away, “You heard how Hashem told you that ‘your hearts should fear Hashem,’ so why didn’t you immediately say, תן לנו אתה ‘You give it to us!’? Why didn’t you say ‘Ribbono Shel Olam, we are only human and we can’t ourselves, so You make our hearts fear You!’? (Hishtapchus Hanefesh, introduction)

“Although there are several good eitzos in the Rebbe’s sefarim, usually, it is hard for a person to fulfil the very eitza itself. Therefore, the main thing is to daven, beg and plead with Hashem, and not give up until Hashem gives it. And although a person calls and cries to Hashem for such a long time and is still so far, surely in the end Hashem will answer him and bring him truly close to His avodah, - surely, without any doubt.” (Hishtapchus Hanefesh 9)

So why let these aspects in our lives die away?

* * *

Every child wants to do everything by THEMSELVES. Eat by themselves, put on the shirt by themselves… Every young adult (read: teenager) prefers to make decision by themselves… But as we grow older, we accept opinions and look out for guidance; we let others help us. Let’s not act childish and decide that we can be a good Yid, a good wife and mother – by ourselves. Let’s reach out to Hashem and shout “HELLO! HASHEM! So many heart attacks are going on here! So many parts of my Yiddishkeit and those of my children are dying away in front of my very eyes. Please Hashem, mix Yourself in and come rescue me!” You’ll be surprised at the miracles and wonders which unfold when ‘Hashem’s crew’ take over your life.

But there’s still a question. Why do we need to read so much and listen to shiurim to get inspired, if it anyway isn’t a matter of understanding concepts and changing mindsets, it’s only a matter of screaming for help and understanding that we are indeed only people and we can’t manage ourselves?

If you’ve ever been to a fancy, upscale restaurant or hotel, you might not have realized it, but you would never have dreamt of ordering the “luscious chocolate mousse with creamy caramel fudge and coffee pods over French vanilla ice-cream filled snickers rolls” had you not read the menu. You would simply have asked for ice cream. You need to read the menu in order to broaden your horizons and open yourself up to higher, much bigger possibilities, or else you stay with the basics.

The menu is not there for you to go home and work on recreating these marvels yourself; the world-renowned chefs are there at your service. All you need to do is read the many options available, take your pick and order.

In the exact same way, any of the Rebbe’s torahs, or any chizuk or mussar you hear, is intended to give you a taste of the delightful, awesome, delicacies and treats there are, the levels which are attainable in this world, so as to entice you to start begging Hashem for it.

But you, dear reader, might be disappointed at the comparison. Because at the restaurant, you place your order and after five minutes, a waiter hands over your heart’s desire. But in ruchniyus, you speak to Hashem about what you’ve read or heard of the Rebbe’s words, and you tell Him how much you want it. Five minutes pass, even five days and sometimes five years, and (it seems) nothing happens![1]

So then Mr. Satan comes running to whisper into your ears and heart, “You see! Don’t ask for it, because nothing is happening! Just do it yourself! I’ll tell you the way to see improvement. Do proper research on which method works best, read books, go to seminars, develop tools, gather a toolbox, open your brain, and then you’ll be a productive mother, have normal children, and be a perfect Yid. That’s the only way!”

But on the other sides stands the Rebbe and tells us: מקטן ועד גדול אי אפשר להיות איש כשר באמת... From small to great, it is impossible to be a truly righteous person, only through asking Hashem. The Rebbe mentioned many tzaddikim such as Eliyahu Hanavi, the Baal Shem Tov and so on, whom he testified that they only reached their madreiga through tefillah. And while saying that he pointed to a very simple man and said he also came to his huge madreiga only through asking Hashem. And simple people too only reached their levels through asking Hashem.” There’s no other way to be a productive mother, have normal children and be a perfect Yid!

* * *

Peri, a talented, clever young mother of four is always bothered by the thought that she’s not achieving enough according to her capabilities. Rivy, her neighbor, also has four children, but she’s running a successful accounting office. Chaya’le is doing so much volunteering, and what’s she doing? Changing diapers, wiping noses, nursing babies, cleaning the house (to be dirtied again before anyone notices her efforts), and resting from exhaustion. So of course, her jealousy is quietly growing, her moods are dropping, and her anxiety and negativity are spreading.

One day, she comes across the following: The Rebbe admonished Reb Nosson that really, his avodas Hashem should be much easier. He shouldn’t be needing to work so hard; it is only because he has little emunah that he finds it so difficult.

Reb Nosson was very surprised, thinking to himself, “It seems to me that I do have a bit of emunah?”

The Rebbe half said, half shouted, “האסט אין דיר קיין אמונה נישט!” “You don’t have any emunah in yourself!” And he mentioned the passuk in Zecharia which says that the cause of the tzaddikim being ashamed eventually in olam haba is because they didn’t believe in themselves. Not believing in ourselves means that we don’t believe in Hashem’s greatness that He is good to everyone, and that we are important and significant in His eyes, and that is a failure in emunah. A person needs to know that he is beloved and worth a lot to Hashem. It isn’t anavah to think that we are unsuccessful and a good-for-nothing. (Sichos Haran 140)

Peri is promptly very taken over. She has three options:

1. To think, what does this have to do with me? Reb Nosson is indeed worthy, but I’m not.
2. To decide ‘that’s it! From now, I’m going to realize my importance, and how great my role is, and then automatically my job as a Yiddishe mother will become much easier, like the Rebbe says, because I already realize and understand clearly that I need to believe in myself.’
3. To know that she is only a person, and no matter how much she’s going to be mechazek herself not to look at anyone else, to realize what a special mother she is and how much nachas she gives Hashem, there will always be someone who is a better mother than her, or one child who takes her completely out of her wits so she’s left a nothing again. So she finishes reading and says to Hashem, “You know what a bad mood I’m always in lately, because I’m not accomplishing anything with my children, the housework and myself. You know that I’ve just read what the Rebbe says is the reason for it going so hard (and discusses it a little with Him). So please give it me!”

If she chooses option A, some heart attacks will continue to be ignored every day. Option B might work for one day, but not for too long (because we really are only human). But if she chooses option C, she’s a winner! She does the famous torah/tefillah trick!

What's the famous ‘Torah Tefillah’ trick? You take anything nice you read or hear or any new understanding you have, and turn it into a tefillah. Because the Rebbi said: (שיחות הר"ן קמה)

"When a person makes from torah tefillah, great pleasure is caused up in heaven. Such a great pleasure that Hashem never received before!” It’s the greatest, most pleasurable gift we can give Hashem.

* * *

Have you ever wondered why Avraham and Yitzchak had Yishmael and Eisav, yet Yaakov was spared the pain of his children straying from the right path? Because Avraham and Yitzchak only had torah (Sarah and Rivkah = torah). Yaakov also had torah (Rachel = torah), but most importantly, Yaakov married Leah first, and Leah = tefillah. With tefillah AND torah, he was the total winner, and all his 12 shevatim were complete tzaddikim.

So no, I grew up. I’m not doing anything by myself. I’m asking for help, and I’m not settling for anything less than a complete and total rescue! No heart attacks accepted whatsoever! Because I’m only human.